Wow, if I had a quarter for each time I heard that when I was a teen-ager. I would have a couple of extra bucks to play FROGGER with at Chesterfield Mall in the game room. Ahhhh....how times have changed. I was an over-weight child,teen, 30 something and now... I hate to say it...Middle-ager. When I was younger, I thought I was fun and different enough that it really didn't matter that I was fat. I was a child of the 80's and wore big shirts with the collars up, leggings, skinny ties, hammer pants, neon colors, 2 tees shirts with the cuff rolled up and two pair of socks to match, had my hair cut off on one side and wore pearls with everything. I was cool. Or so I thought. During that time, my life at home was in disarray. My parents were in and out of love...or separated for most of my teen years and when I was 18 they got divorced. I spent a lot of time away from my house. I wanted to create a new environment for myself, but, I was afraid to branch out at the same time. I spent endless hours at the mall, church and with friends. Just so I would not have to spend time at home. At school and with my friends-I was the fun, chubby, pretty girl. I never had a date until the age of 30. OK, no date with any straight men. Not that I didn't fall in love, or so I thought, with a number of guys that didn't know I liked them and most likely didn't care to be anything other than friends. Some of which are still my friends today. I am thankful in many ways that I was never "involved" with any of them. I feel like most of my teen years I was protected. Protected and yet hurting myself with a wall of fat. I don't know if it was me protecting myself or if it was God keeping me safe...not that I didn't do some pretty stupid things along the way. But, I was safe behind this wall I built around me. I had something to blame, when people made fun of me. I was fat. I am fat.
As I went into my 20's, I became the righteous one. I would not do anything wrong(except overeating).... When my parents got divorced and my Mom and I moved out. My Mom needed a saviour. I was her balancing beam for quite a few years and then I decided that I didn't want to save her or myself... why was I trying so hard? I quit... She was going to do what she wanted and so was I. I had a large group of friends and did everything with and for them I could. It wasn't healthy although I learned a lot....I was co-dependant...with a capital C!
When I turned 30... I was sick of it....this life I had created was not going as I had dreamed...and I was single, lonely and fat. I started dating for the first time in my life. The place to go at the time was "on-line" - I was a BBW- big beautiful woman... looking for love! I found more than my share of creepy guys that were just looking for nothing but sex. I was a virgin and was not going to waste my time with them. It weirded me out to think that there were guys just cruising big girls for sex. I was even told by one that he hit on big ladies because they have low self esteem and it made it easier! What? CRAZY! But, it must have been true. I was known by my friends as the "First Date Queen"- because I knew on the first date if they were marriage material or not. My mom even told me I was just being to picky!
When I gave up on finding Mr. Right by myself..... and gave it to God is when I found him! He tells me how beautiful I am all the time and that he loves me..... He makes me feel special. I still see myself as a mess...most of the time...but, it helps to hear that you are special to someone.
Does everyone have a distorted self image? We see our surroundings and how people react to us...but do we truly see ourselves like others see us? The answer is no! We see a 1 dimensional portrait of ourselves in the mirror looking back at us... That's why we should really look at ourselves through the eyes of others who love us...no matter what. We have to be honest with how we feel....but, we should see ourselves through God's eyes. He loves us just because He made us....no strings.... and like a pastor friend of mine says, "God's not mad at you!" We need to get that.... what a concept.
Hey, Miki- I was thinking about this just last night and your post reminded me of this again. It seems God made us to find our value in Him. Not in ourselves, our abilities, our talents, our looks, our wealth, our accomplishments. Not outside of our selves, in others, men, children, friends, what others think of us. It seems to me, we know somewhere down deep we need to look outside of ourselves for affirmation and value, we should look to God for it, but we keep looking for it in all the wrong places. What do you think?
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