Guard your Heart and Mind / Final Analysis

My heart is soar, my eyes are wet with tears of loss, my pain is real.... I have felt all these emotions with the loss of my Dad in the last few weeks.... but, I have also found I can pray and seek the Lord easier now than before. hmmm? I am quicker to give God praise for the good in my life! Great!!!! And that I am ready to take on a new path with Him. Praise the Lord!!!!

 It seems weird that words effect me differently at this time. It seems strange that I am effected so deeply by words and prayers of friends and family. Someone could say, that I have "thin skin" or "my heart is on my sleeve" - both of these would be true... I am a sappy girl anyway... but, in dealing with stress and emotional times like this I have noticed that I am quick to get to a very strong emotion- either good or bad. Dan has been so wonderful during this time. I need to get past the stage of grief I am at.... and onto????  In learning from this what to do and how to deal with my own emotions...I can apply it in other areas... and maybe be a help to someone in this journey that we call life.

 

I was reading face book this morning- after having a fun breakfast with my friend Missy from high school..... and found this post from Tyler Perry and  it was so good that I thought I would share it here....it reminded me very much of the poem from Mother Teresa...which is also below and one of my favorites.

 

GUARD YOUR HEART AND MIND       by Tyler Perry

If you can get this, this will change your life… I was out taking my morning run. I love how still it is when I’m running. I can hear clearly and really commune with God. I wanted to share this with you. It’s a lesson I had to learn.

One of the keys to success is to be able to guard your heart. Now, usually when someone says guard your heart they are talking about keeping yourself from heartbreak. Although that is important (as long as you don’t go overboard... but that’s another conversation) that isn’t what I’m talking about. When we are born into this world we enter with such a pure heart but as we grow older situations, circumstances and people tend to make us change. Now I know it is nearly impossible to keep a childlike innocence in our hearts all of our lives, especially after people have betrayed, lied, mistreated and downright been the devil. Trust me when I tell you, I have seen it all. I have been there big ... time. If you’re like me you’ve been there too. But if this is your situation I want you to know two very important things about those moments of heartbreak.

 

Number one, learn the lesson in it. See how it will work together for your good, because it will. Once you do, it’s easier to forgive and move on.

 

Secondly, and this is just as important as the first one, you must not let that person or people change your heart.

 

What do I mean by that? Well, if you are a giver and someone you have given to mis-uses your gift, don’t stop giving… just give to someone else. If you are a person that loves people and someone you love hates you, don’t stop loving… love someone else. Eventually, you will find people who appreciate your kindness and your love.

 

Remember this, lots of people have been conditioned to not be able to accept purity of heart. They can’t take it in. Most times it’s not even their fault. It’s just what has happened to them on their journey in life. But don’t let them turn you into one of them. There will be a lot of people in your life who will not appreciate your pureness of heart. If they hurt you don’t stop being you… just be you with someone else.

Why is this so important? Because God blesses you according to what is in your heart. If you are being kind, giving, loving and sharing because it is in your heart and you are not looking for anything in return, then that is a heart that God wants to bless. If you change who you are because you’ve been hurt, then you’ve changed the thing that God wants to bless you according to, and that is your heart. The people who hurt you are not worth that. You can lose everything that you have, but don’t let anybody change your heart.

 

 

 The version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. 

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. 

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

 

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

 

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. 

Be happy anyway.

 

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. 

Do good anyway.

 

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

  Give your best anyway.

 

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. 

It was never between you and them anyway.

Fearing Death....

"Oh death where is they sting? Oh grave where is thy victory?" 1Cor 15:55

My wonderful and amazing husband and myself were chatting last night about fearing death. He had a conversation with someone earlier in the day about the process of death and grieving.... and how this person had said that, "it's not really his thing." Hmmm...I thought, I don't know that it's really anybodies- "thing" to deal with death. We, as humans, really don't want to deal with it- in thought, word, or deed. I don't know of anyone who just likes death... even a Goth inspired fashionista...still likes being "Alive" to continue to show off their new goth death gear. No body wants to die... unless they have dealt with the rages of depression. Even then people contimplate it for years. It's a permante solution to a temporary problem. If this is you- Go talk to your doctor, pastor, or friend. Get on some meds, do whatever it takes to LIVE your LIFE. Fight to live.

Now, let me begin with saying I am a person who...does not like horror movies, I don't like to see anything dying... "Faces of death" movies would totally creep me out- I never want to watch those. I can't watch the surgery channel on TV- I don't want to see the stuff that's supposed to be on the inside- on the outside. My husband, on the other hand, can watch anything happen to a human body- He thinks it's cool. But, don't put on Animal Planet and show him the abused animals, or the Humane Society commercials- CHANGE THE CHANNEL! He can't take it. So, in saying all that- we all have our tolerances. What we will put up with and the things we are curious about and the things we are not.

When my Dad died recently, the family knew it was happening, he was on hospice care for 5 days in the hospital. My younger brother- Travis and I had told my older brother- Chris, that we did not really want to be there when he passed. It just "wasn't my thing", I told him. Sound familiar? Well, I have to say that after Chris and Lana- my Dad's second wife, stayed at the hospital for over a week. Chris sleeping just a few hours a night out in his truck on the parking lot.... spending countless hours a night by my Dad's side. The full day before my Dad passed away, AMC had John Wayne movies on the whole time. The night before Chris said that he tucked Lana in to sleep on the couch and spent the night watching Cowboy Movies with my Dad (if you ever came into my Dad's house- it's an open floor plan- so when you walk in the door on the far end of the living room is a huge flat screen with either the Western channel -playing cowboy movies or some Car network) Chris had told me he didn't want my Dad to be alone when he passed. On Dad's final day, Chris had made the decision to head home for just a few hours to take a shower and a short nap... he would be back around 5pm. So, I told him I would stay, and there I was.. watching John Wayne and crying, watching my Dad's ever labored breathing get worse, watching as the nurse would ever so caring come in and talk to Dad (even though he didn't respond) as she gave him more morphine. Chatting with family and friends about his condition and praying that God would take him home in peace on the arms of angels. Every once in a while my Dad would take an extra deep breath...open his eyes a little and mumble... he was having conversations. I asked him if he saw the angels and he said, "yes". I told him to quit arguing with them and just go. I was holding my Dad's hand at about 5:02 pm he opened his eyes wide and looked around. Lana- got up and ran to his side- telling him to go on home. It was okay. He took his lasts few breaths and he was no longer here. A room full of family and friends around him praying and thanking God for his life and the journey to be with all his loved ones that have already passed.

 

 My Dad went home to Heaven.

 

 I closed his eyes.

 

The room that had been so full of anticipation and tension, was quiet. It's like the calm and peace had hit us all. it's like you could finally breathe. It was beautiful.

I had not experienced that before. The final moments before and after- what we call death. It is nothing to fear. It was not scary like in the movies. It was peaceful. It was beautiful. It was the ultimate proof of a spirit, a soul. A soul that was leaving a place that could no longer hold it. At one moment my Dad was in his body and at another moment - he was not. It was very evident. It was a body without a person in it. Not the "made-up" person we see in a casket. It was empty. A shell.

If you haven't been there with someone when they pass away... and you don't believe that there is an after life. A place called Heaven.... if you had this experience- a believers death. You would see the love, peace and beauty that is in it. The process after for the living- makes you feel like your broken open to the core of your heart. I know that when you feel that broken it's in that time when you can allow God's healing hand to do it's work.

My brother Chris and his wife, were headed back to the hospital when my Dad passed away. He was glad that Travis and myself were there. I needed to learn that it's not something to be afraid of, that it didn't have to be "my thing" in order to learn what it was about and how to "deal with death".  

It was an important thing for me to be there.

He was not alone.

It was perfection.

 

Thanks Chris.

Wings to Fly!

Have you ever watched a baby bird busting out of it's shell and then stretching it's little wings to eventually fly? They fumble about- for the first bit but, then after extending their dainty wings as far as they can from their- oh so cumbersome bodies-

They start to get it....

They start to feel their strength...

To do what God has designed them to do...

To fly....

Fly in the freedom of the wings that they were given...

Fly as high in the air-  as high as they have been given the courage to go.

I think birds must be born with a barrel full of bravery. In comparison- I am the baby bird that flew out of the nest...but, moved just down the tree to another nest. I said that it was just so I would know that the other big birds up in the other nests were okay (This is what I told myself.)

My Dad passed away on August 11, 2012.

I think if you met my Dad, Charlie- you would say he was a Christian... he had a kind heart and good nature. He was not a super spiritual guy... I think he prayed and talked to God a lot. When I was younger anytime I left the house to go to church...he would say, "Say a prayer for your old Dad and make sure you tell God we need some Hot or Cold weather!" The hot/cold depended on what time of year it was- he started his own heating and a/c business when I was 8 years old- so this is what he sat at the kitchen counter for endless hours thinking about. Success. Success in the work of his hands. Success in how he ran his business. Success as a boss. Success as a son. Success as a man. He spent more time working to achieve success than helping raise my brothers and myself. To him this was success. It disconnected him emotionally from us, but to him, it was providing and that was his ultimate goal. He taught us how to work hard and that is a cherished commodity these days.

My Dad's favorite scripture was Isaiah 40:31

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

It's an odd thing to go through, this thing we call "grief". Each day as friends, relatives and co-workers sweetly ask, "How are you doing?" Sometimes you find a warm heart and a listening ear, or helpful advice and some people just stay away...not for any other reason than they just don't know what to say and they don't want to make you cry or they still haven't dealt with their own sadness in the loss of a loved one.

My Dad was my backer.... I knew if I got in trouble too deep- he was there. It funny...it's almost like now I have to finally fully trust God.... not that I wasn't before and not that I don't still have other people in my life I can rely on. But, it's different. Some how I related it to the stretch of wings to fly. To trust your own instincts. I no longer have to try to please my earthly Father.... now it's just me and God. I am growing at 43.... I guess this "grief" could be called growing pains. Learning how to trust that still small voice again...make it louder Lord, please!

This is my prayer today:

Lord, help me to know how to fly. Help me to know how to angle my wings to get the most wind. Keep me from stumbling. Make me brave. Give me wisdom. Help me to be a more loving and caring friend to anyone who has suffered loss. Let my healing be a testimony that you are my provider, my comfort, my hiding place. I love you, Lord. Make sure my Dad knows how much I miss him. Give him a big hug from me... I know he likes those.

a little drop in the bucket of life....

Did you ever feel bad after you did something good? I am not bragging- FOR SURE! I am just asking you and me, some questions- because of my self-challenge to “feel” and not to “EAT!” So, let me ask again, have you ever done something nice and then felt like - what did I just do? It wasn't good enough.

 I had an experience yesterday where I felt like I was doing the right thing- but, I don't think I took it far enough.  I was feeling guilty. I was feeling sad. I was feeling troubled for not giving God the credit…. I was feeling like what I had done was such a little drop in the bucket of life…. I was feeling like I am SOOO blessed and nothing I can do, can ever be big enough for God. Not big enough for me to be proud of what He did through me….

Isaiah 64:6 NKJV    But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; We all fade as a leaf, And our iniquities, like the wind, Have taken us away.

Was it self-doubt, or was it really the Holy Spirit telling me, "Next time, I want you to do this instead." After all God can cause a donkey to speak- Numbers 22. Let us all say, God – I will glorify you in all I do.

I think some of this self-doubt in doing good, comes from many years of my past, when I had done something that I thought would make someone who I looked up to as a child proud and instead of a grandiose, "YIPEE! Way to GO! That's Fabulous!" It was welcomed with - "that's pretty good" or, "you did a halfway good job." Nothing was quite good enough in one way or another. So- I know that my image of God is a slight bit distorted- I see Him saying, "Well, at least you tried." or "Maybe next time, kid." This goes for me having a good self-image too. My WEIGHT and my ART are both involved in this... I try, I fail, I try, I do ok, I try, I give up, I try, and then I decide not to try.  Sad but true. So, this merry-go-round of life that I am on…. Speeds up and stops, gets going and halts- goes in reverse.  So why does a person who knows that they are hitting the chords of self-doubt and distorted self-image not just get off the ride? What keeps them there, going over the bad and not focusing on the good? This is the quest that I am on…. Trying to get real answers for myself. Trying to find out what will make me get to that place of peace- knowing that I have the strength within me to do it…. Ride the ride and get off when I want to and share a little with the people God wants me to sprinkle little drops of what He has blessed me with- here and there.

Let me leave you with a quote: “In everything you do preach the gospel, and if you have to use words.”

~St. Francis of Assisi

"Who said that?"

Did I say that? Who made me think that way? Who "planted" these ideas into my head? Why does it seem to replay in my life? Can I change my internal monologue? What makes me live out what I "know" to be true? Where does it come from? Why do I feel the way I do about myself? Is it just my perception of reality?

Just this week I have fallen victim to that voice… those negative thoughts that preoccupy my mind instead of focusing on the positive… but there is hope for you and I.

Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions? If you have...  CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You are on your way to making changes and decisions toward your future, where YOU want and need to be.... What does God really have planned for your life? Does it feel like you’re just "living" and not really going anywhere? I have been caught in that rut many times and I can tell you... to ask yourself those kinds of questions. Make yourself a journal or notebook. Sometimes the journey is not in you answering the questions; it's in you just asking the questions. Putting them out there on paper. Makes them real. Makes them have value. Makes them mean something. 

Our inner monologue is like our soul talking to us.... some of us hear the voice of a trusted loved one from our past. Some of us hear the voice of that bully from 4th grade that made up a song about us.  It's amazing to me how we can hear the positive voice and then so quickly that little terrorist in our head takes over. Telling us what our value is.... why don't we listen to that first voice? I know so many times I let the negative voice reign in my mind and I don't fight the fight.... It is truly the Battlefield of our Mind! It says in 2 Corinthians 10:5  We are told to "take every thought captive" that does not conform to Christ's standards.  Wow, every thought? That's a whole lot of stinking thinking!

Our self-worth or value comes from many places. Some of it I believe comes from deep within…most comes from what is put in to our beings even as small children. Or what others put in to our minds about who we are, what we can and can't do, what we might make of ourselves....someday.

 How does someone overcome what has been ingrained into them as a child? David Pelzer is a prime example…. If you have not read the book- "A child called IT", you must read it. I could not believe my eyes as I read the stories that he has from his childhood of abuse and torture. How he has found it within to go out and talk to others about his experience is a "God thing" because no one who has gone through abuse arrives out of it unscathed…. It is a mean life changing destructive force that is beyond that persons control….especially if they were a child when it happened. How parents, grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, trusted teachers and or Pastors could go past that line---- is unfathomable to me…. But, I see it and know that it happens every minute of every day in this busy non-authoritative world that we live in….. It happens. We allow it...it sickens me.

We need to be uplifting and complementary of others around us. Even that lady in the hall that seems to have permanently implanted scowl on her face. Just by saying she has a pretty color on today...could make her soften up. We don't know what their inner voice is saying. Let's add to their positive voice and to our own.... Spread a little love and ask yourself a question or two...it might be life changing!

Blessings-

 Miki

Ideas, Dreams and Wonderment

 "A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn it can be stabbed to death by a joke or worried to death by a frown on the right person's brow."

                                                                                                 -Charles Hendrickson Brower

I can't possibly tell you the ideas or dreams that I have had all in one post. Nore would you even want to hear them... Ideas are like special little seeds. They come with a tingling feeling of the miraculous. They each start with a feeling that they could change the world. Magical, enchanting, exciting.... Some have been so secret that only God and I know that they are there- hidden in the corners of my heart, my mind, my soul- seedlings, waiting to grow, or growing slowly... some have grown and eventually bloomed into something worthwhile, something wonderful. Some have bore fruit of their own. Which is amazing. That this small idea can turn into something to be proud of, to praise God for- something to show off and hopefully see others inspired by my otherwise little seeds of dreams.

Others have come and died or been killed off- like the quote above says, either by myself or someone else. They all are very fragile at first. They have to be cared for, watched, inspected, learned about, encouraged.  Like the public service on TV- "Know before you Grow" - We have to gain the knowledge, know-how to move forward. Not just the inspiration does that. It's given to us for a reason- what we choose to do with it is up to us.

This is why it is so important for us to put things down on paper. Write it down, log it, journal it, face it! I have a good friend (whom I have not seen in years) who reached out to me about my writing. It was so touching that he would take the time to say, "What's up? Why are you not writing? It might not be all about you- do it!" (I am completely summarizing here!) How did he know I needed a good kick in the pants? All I can say is it was a God wink** to me and I took it as just that- a nudge to get moving and get writing.

Do you have a dream/idea/vision of something that you know you want/need/have to do? If you don't then find something that inspires you. It might be: art, music, theater, architecture, a book, a movie, a child, an event... whatever it is that you feel the creative juices flowing... plan it, do it!  Ideas will come unexpected. Buy a few small notebooks and put one by your bed, in your purse. I put notes, quotes, ideas- on my phone. Go to the park on a nice day, browse a fun site like Pinterest, or read a blog!

The next step is putting some fertilizer on it making it grow... Get another opinion, study, research it, learn about what you want to do, take a class. Hear from an expert. ----- Be careful! This is the time when many dreams die off.... be gentle and if you really want it to happen- protect it! Not everyone you tell about something will be supportive. I have had people in my life that have pushed and squashed many a dream I have had.... I have and continue to struggle with  some of my dreams because of it. Don't let this happen to you. Move above it, past it, around it..., jump over it! Do whatever it takes to get that idea to fruition.

Get out among the people around you and dream! Let me know what you think... I will support you!

OK to all my blog reading friends- I know you like to hear where I am on this weight loss journey. I am at 350 lbs. -down almost 5 since my last post. I am back in gear to start moving and going back to a low carb, high veggie, real food diet. I am getting my blood sugar back to normal levels with the help of my doctor and meds. I am taking lots of vitamins and making healthier choices. I just got a full time permanent job with benefits! Dan and I are committed to walking and getting healthy as we care for our parents who are not aging gracefully. 

Blessings Plus-

Miki