Fearing Death....

"Oh death where is they sting? Oh grave where is thy victory?" 1Cor 15:55

My wonderful and amazing husband and myself were chatting last night about fearing death. He had a conversation with someone earlier in the day about the process of death and grieving.... and how this person had said that, "it's not really his thing." Hmmm...I thought, I don't know that it's really anybodies- "thing" to deal with death. We, as humans, really don't want to deal with it- in thought, word, or deed. I don't know of anyone who just likes death... even a Goth inspired fashionista...still likes being "Alive" to continue to show off their new goth death gear. No body wants to die... unless they have dealt with the rages of depression. Even then people contimplate it for years. It's a permante solution to a temporary problem. If this is you- Go talk to your doctor, pastor, or friend. Get on some meds, do whatever it takes to LIVE your LIFE. Fight to live.

Now, let me begin with saying I am a person who...does not like horror movies, I don't like to see anything dying... "Faces of death" movies would totally creep me out- I never want to watch those. I can't watch the surgery channel on TV- I don't want to see the stuff that's supposed to be on the inside- on the outside. My husband, on the other hand, can watch anything happen to a human body- He thinks it's cool. But, don't put on Animal Planet and show him the abused animals, or the Humane Society commercials- CHANGE THE CHANNEL! He can't take it. So, in saying all that- we all have our tolerances. What we will put up with and the things we are curious about and the things we are not.

When my Dad died recently, the family knew it was happening, he was on hospice care for 5 days in the hospital. My younger brother- Travis and I had told my older brother- Chris, that we did not really want to be there when he passed. It just "wasn't my thing", I told him. Sound familiar? Well, I have to say that after Chris and Lana- my Dad's second wife, stayed at the hospital for over a week. Chris sleeping just a few hours a night out in his truck on the parking lot.... spending countless hours a night by my Dad's side. The full day before my Dad passed away, AMC had John Wayne movies on the whole time. The night before Chris said that he tucked Lana in to sleep on the couch and spent the night watching Cowboy Movies with my Dad (if you ever came into my Dad's house- it's an open floor plan- so when you walk in the door on the far end of the living room is a huge flat screen with either the Western channel -playing cowboy movies or some Car network) Chris had told me he didn't want my Dad to be alone when he passed. On Dad's final day, Chris had made the decision to head home for just a few hours to take a shower and a short nap... he would be back around 5pm. So, I told him I would stay, and there I was.. watching John Wayne and crying, watching my Dad's ever labored breathing get worse, watching as the nurse would ever so caring come in and talk to Dad (even though he didn't respond) as she gave him more morphine. Chatting with family and friends about his condition and praying that God would take him home in peace on the arms of angels. Every once in a while my Dad would take an extra deep breath...open his eyes a little and mumble... he was having conversations. I asked him if he saw the angels and he said, "yes". I told him to quit arguing with them and just go. I was holding my Dad's hand at about 5:02 pm he opened his eyes wide and looked around. Lana- got up and ran to his side- telling him to go on home. It was okay. He took his lasts few breaths and he was no longer here. A room full of family and friends around him praying and thanking God for his life and the journey to be with all his loved ones that have already passed.

 

 My Dad went home to Heaven.

 

 I closed his eyes.

 

The room that had been so full of anticipation and tension, was quiet. It's like the calm and peace had hit us all. it's like you could finally breathe. It was beautiful.

I had not experienced that before. The final moments before and after- what we call death. It is nothing to fear. It was not scary like in the movies. It was peaceful. It was beautiful. It was the ultimate proof of a spirit, a soul. A soul that was leaving a place that could no longer hold it. At one moment my Dad was in his body and at another moment - he was not. It was very evident. It was a body without a person in it. Not the "made-up" person we see in a casket. It was empty. A shell.

If you haven't been there with someone when they pass away... and you don't believe that there is an after life. A place called Heaven.... if you had this experience- a believers death. You would see the love, peace and beauty that is in it. The process after for the living- makes you feel like your broken open to the core of your heart. I know that when you feel that broken it's in that time when you can allow God's healing hand to do it's work.

My brother Chris and his wife, were headed back to the hospital when my Dad passed away. He was glad that Travis and myself were there. I needed to learn that it's not something to be afraid of, that it didn't have to be "my thing" in order to learn what it was about and how to "deal with death".  

It was an important thing for me to be there.

He was not alone.

It was perfection.

 

Thanks Chris.

Wings to Fly!

Have you ever watched a baby bird busting out of it's shell and then stretching it's little wings to eventually fly? They fumble about- for the first bit but, then after extending their dainty wings as far as they can from their- oh so cumbersome bodies-

They start to get it....

They start to feel their strength...

To do what God has designed them to do...

To fly....

Fly in the freedom of the wings that they were given...

Fly as high in the air-  as high as they have been given the courage to go.

I think birds must be born with a barrel full of bravery. In comparison- I am the baby bird that flew out of the nest...but, moved just down the tree to another nest. I said that it was just so I would know that the other big birds up in the other nests were okay (This is what I told myself.)

My Dad passed away on August 11, 2012.

I think if you met my Dad, Charlie- you would say he was a Christian... he had a kind heart and good nature. He was not a super spiritual guy... I think he prayed and talked to God a lot. When I was younger anytime I left the house to go to church...he would say, "Say a prayer for your old Dad and make sure you tell God we need some Hot or Cold weather!" The hot/cold depended on what time of year it was- he started his own heating and a/c business when I was 8 years old- so this is what he sat at the kitchen counter for endless hours thinking about. Success. Success in the work of his hands. Success in how he ran his business. Success as a boss. Success as a son. Success as a man. He spent more time working to achieve success than helping raise my brothers and myself. To him this was success. It disconnected him emotionally from us, but to him, it was providing and that was his ultimate goal. He taught us how to work hard and that is a cherished commodity these days.

My Dad's favorite scripture was Isaiah 40:31

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

It's an odd thing to go through, this thing we call "grief". Each day as friends, relatives and co-workers sweetly ask, "How are you doing?" Sometimes you find a warm heart and a listening ear, or helpful advice and some people just stay away...not for any other reason than they just don't know what to say and they don't want to make you cry or they still haven't dealt with their own sadness in the loss of a loved one.

My Dad was my backer.... I knew if I got in trouble too deep- he was there. It funny...it's almost like now I have to finally fully trust God.... not that I wasn't before and not that I don't still have other people in my life I can rely on. But, it's different. Some how I related it to the stretch of wings to fly. To trust your own instincts. I no longer have to try to please my earthly Father.... now it's just me and God. I am growing at 43.... I guess this "grief" could be called growing pains. Learning how to trust that still small voice again...make it louder Lord, please!

This is my prayer today:

Lord, help me to know how to fly. Help me to know how to angle my wings to get the most wind. Keep me from stumbling. Make me brave. Give me wisdom. Help me to be a more loving and caring friend to anyone who has suffered loss. Let my healing be a testimony that you are my provider, my comfort, my hiding place. I love you, Lord. Make sure my Dad knows how much I miss him. Give him a big hug from me... I know he likes those.