Did you ever feel bad after you did something good? I am not
bragging- FOR SURE! I am just asking you and me, some questions- because of my self-challenge
to “feel” and not to “EAT!” So, let me ask again, have you ever done something
nice and then felt like - what did I just do? It wasn't good enough.
I had an experience
yesterday where I felt like I was doing the right thing- but, I don't think I
took it far enough. I was feeling
guilty. I was feeling sad. I was feeling troubled for not giving God the credit….
I was feeling like what I had done was such a little drop in the bucket of
life…. I was feeling like I am SOOO blessed and nothing I can do, can ever be
big enough for God. Not big enough for me to be proud of what He did through
me….
Isaiah 64:6 NKJV But we are all like an unclean thing, and all
our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; We all fade as a leaf, And our
iniquities, like the wind, Have taken us away.
Was it self-doubt, or was it really the Holy Spirit telling
me, "Next time, I want you to do this instead." After all God can
cause a donkey to speak- Numbers 22. Let us all say, God – I will glorify you
in all I do.
I think some of this self-doubt in doing good, comes from
many years of my past, when I had done something that I thought would make
someone who I looked up to as a child proud and instead of a grandiose,
"YIPEE! Way to GO! That's Fabulous!" It was welcomed with -
"that's pretty good" or, "you did a halfway good job."
Nothing was quite good enough in one way or another. So- I know that my image
of God is a slight bit distorted- I see Him saying, "Well, at least you
tried." or "Maybe next time, kid." This goes for me having a
good self-image too. My WEIGHT and my ART are both involved in this... I try, I
fail, I try, I do ok, I try, I give up, I try, and then I decide not to
try. Sad but true. So, this merry-go-round
of life that I am on…. Speeds up and stops, gets going and halts- goes in
reverse. So why does a person who knows
that they are hitting the chords of self-doubt and distorted self-image not
just get off the ride? What keeps them there, going over the bad and not
focusing on the good? This is the quest that I am on…. Trying to get real answers
for myself. Trying to find out what will make me get to that place of peace-
knowing that I have the strength within me to do it…. Ride the ride and get off
when I want to and share a little with the people God wants me to sprinkle
little drops of what He has blessed me with- here and there.
Let me leave you with a quote: “In everything you do preach the gospel, and if you have to use words.”
~St. Francis of Assisi
